Life in the fast lane for our kids....

Sometimes I wonder if it's all just a bit much for our children. The reason I've decided to focus on this particular post, which is about teaching your children to deal with some pretty tough stuff that comes their way, is that I have learnt a lot over the last year and wanted to share it - trial and error got us there in the end. I am no expert, but I'm a mom that's been through a lot with my little boy, and hopefully this might help somebody out there.

I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt that 2009 was not a good year for my family. My little boy (and of course my family) had to deal with a lot. As a mom I had a car accident, 4 back operations and lost both my parents within 4 weeks of each other. For Tristan this was even worse - he saw me in pain permanently, both physically and emotionally and lost his granny and grandpa. I didn't have a clue how to deal with it, so I did my best and did what I thought would work. Through each of the upsets that we faced, I kept talking to Tristan, and focusing on how he was, was he ok, did he understand what was happening? By constantly focusing on the issues actually had the opposite effect on him that I was hoping for - he would immediately respond with 'I'm fine' and then carry on with what he was doing, not wanting to open up. He completely withdrew from me, which was very abnormal, especially when I was in hospital. It was almost like he didn't want to come near me - he was scared. He saw and felt the pain and to him I was a 'different mom'. I did eventually however learn the right way to deal with this - for him. Each family is different and each child is different. In a way I didn't deal with the problems on the outside, however, on the inside I was very consciously dealing with it.

I decided to spend at least half an hour a day just 'being' with him. By this I mean, I would ask him to come and play with me on the bed and I would take his lead. Whatever he wanted to play I went along with and told him that this was our special time every day.
We continued like this for a week and eventually, quite amazingly, my little one just opened up to me. He would ask about my operation, what they did to me, why I had to go into hospital and most of all he used to tell me that he missed me when I was there. By being able to talk about it, we were able to deal with his fears. Slowly but surely he would also ask about his granparents, particularly his granny, whom he was very close to. Why is she no longer with us, why did she go to be with God, and if God really loved us why did he take her away. All these questions were difficult at the time to deal with, but I made sure I had an honest answer for each of these types of questions before the time.
We were able to heal together - it was so important for him and for me to be able to talk about it, and try to make sense of it. Once he opened up, he didn't stop and it all came tumbling out.
While we were going through this time, I also spoke to the teachers at his nursery school to try and encourage him to talk and get his thoughts and fears out in the open. This helped tremendously as they were aware of it, and the communication was great, which also enabled him another outlet.
It took a couple of weeks and he was back to his old self.
As we were over this, it was time to tell him about my 4th back op - as we'd opened the lines of communication, it was sooooooo much easier. He asked questions, I drew what the operation was all about on a piece of paper, which he loved! When I went into hospital he dealt with it like a champion I have to say, he even asked to see the wound, which he wouldn't go near previously.
I guess the most important thing I'm trying to say is that it is so important to be able to talk to your children, and also to help them to deal with life - the good, the bad and the ugly, but always to be there for them and to help them through it. Most importantly they need to know that you are right there besides them.
Life is not always easy, and we all need the tools to cope - especially our children, we can't protect them from everything, its how we deal with the upsets that are important.