Help...my child's the bully!

Perhaps bullying is too strong a word for what I'm trying to get across, but certainly the fear or worry that your child in nursery school could be running a rampant hive of terrorist activity against other children can send a cold fear and sense of dread through your bones! I've read so much about children being bullied or hurt but not all that much about if your own child is the one being avoided like the plague due to his or her antics. This article is about the glorious joy of hindsight!

I remember when my little one was about 18 months old in a nursery school in the UK, and almost every day he used to come home with massive bite marks on his back, sometimes 2 or 3 in the same day. That feeling that my child was being hurt invoked a sense of protection that I didn't know I even had in me - and to be honest with you, it consumed my every waking moment, thinking, worrying and wondering what I was going to do about it. In the UK biting is taken very seriously, and for lots of reasons the 'biter's' name is never given to the 'bitee's' parents - so in essence you know your child is being bitten, but you have no idea who the culprit is (unless of course your child tells you!) In a lot of ways I agree with this approach as the parents of that child aren't ousted or the child isn't treated any differently either. However, I was secure in the knowledge that the school were handling it. Now that I have a couple of years behind me, with glorious hindsight, I understand now that in fact I didn't need to do anything about it, plot my revenge or have wasted so much energy on it. In essence it happens. I'm not condoning by any stretch of the imagination that children should sustain injuries at school, or that there shouldn't be consequences for behaviour like this, however, I now realise that when children are at this kind of age, and older, it does happen and I think its how you deal with it that can make your life easier and teach your children something.

But now I would like to turn the tables a bit and think about the scenario where your child is the one that is doing a bit of moonlighting as a torturer. How does it affect you? Are you the parents that are frowned upon, your child that is not invited to the parties or that everyone avoids? I unfortunately have been in the situation recently where my little one has in fact been hurting a couple of children at school. That is not to say that he is always the instigator or that there is something wrong with him, but I've learnt a lot, and hopefully this can help a couple of people think about how to deal with it.

One thing to always remember is that children are impulsive by nature and can also get frustrated and don't know how to express themselves, so can lash out. Its about using the experiences as learnings to teach your children about life and how to deal with situations in the correct way. I mean most of us adults don't go around biting or smacking people as they've upset us!!! Well hopefully not anyway! I think it's also important to try and not blame the parents or the children in instances like this - there is often a reason for the behaviour. In my humble opinion it can often have a lot to do with TV, and unfortunately in our household that has been a lot to do with the problem most recently. Our family has been through a lot, with me being slightly incapacitated due to 4 back ops, my husband having to pick up all the slack and our little one has been watching too much TV and also probably not getting enough attention due to circumstances!


The following are my tips on handling this type of behaviour:
Try and understand the full situation.

Try not to blame yourself too much or to feel embarassed.

Listen to the teachers opinions about what is going on with your child.

If your child is old enough to talk, give them the opportunity to tell you in their words what happened, and listen.

Try and look at the situation objectively and be honest with yourself about what could be contributing to the situation at home. Try to not make assumptions either way that your child is not guilty or guilty as charged.

If they are guilty as charged, make sure that there are consequences for the behaviour.

Communication with the school and teachers is absolutely vital!

Try and give your child different scenarios of how to alternatively deal with the situation i.e. Ok, little Johnny kicked you, but what could you have done instead of hitting him back? Could you have told the teacher? Could you have shouted loud that he shouldn't have done that? Could you have walked away? Go through the different scenarious with them until you think they've found one that they feel comfortable with and keep reinforcing.

Be consistent. There is a great quote that says 'Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. ~Franklin P. Jones

If you think there is a problem, please seek professional advice. Listen to your instincts - a mom normally knows deep down what is going on!



And my last word - always try and put yourself in somebody else's shoes, try and understand, listen and most of all always let your children know that you love them, even if you don't like their behaviour. Often love and attention is the thing that is needed the most.

Have a great weekend!