Wednesday, May 26, 2010

What if you can't breastfeed? Are you a failure as a mother?

This is a subject that is particularly close to my heart. When I was pregnant I bought everything that was going to help me to breastfeed and had the mental attitude of 'do or die'. It was drummed into me from early on in my pregnancy that there simply is no alternative to breast feeding and you will do it. That was fine, but it did scare me a little bit. What if I can't? So off I packed myself to breastfeeding classes and read all the literature to try and help me. I was ready. Come birth day I was excited at the prospect of bonding with my child in this way. Tristan was born by C-section for a number of health reasons and in all honesty it was quite a traumatic experience from start to finish. I was in a teaching hospital in London and after the 6th time of trying to get the spinal block in, they finally called a senior attending medical person - who need I say got it in first time. I was in huge amounts of pain due to a condition called symphysis pubis dysfunction so this whole debacle was like torture. I lay down and they started prepping me, with yelps coming from my corner, I can feel everything. No, rubbish they said - and carried on. Eventually I think it sunk in that I really could feel everything. So up I went again and on the 8th go I was finally ready. By this time, nearly 2 hours later, I was absolutely exhausted and quite literally not a very happy bunny!

Amid much pulling and a huge amount of blood loss (2 litres) Tristan finally came out. He was perfect! As they brought him to me, my blood pressure dropped so low that I started convulsing and kinda passed out. I never held my little one. Lots of doctors, all of a sudden, and lots of drugs later, and finally I came round! Then I really saw him! He was the most stunning little boy I'd ever seen, healthy, gorgeous and pink and just perfect! I got to hold him, albeit through a haze of goodness knows what! But he was there finally and all melted as I looked at this little thing that had been a part of me for so long.

I was taken through to High Care and I just lay with Tristan for so long. He really wasn't interested in feeding, but at least he was close to me and on my breast.

Eventually he started rooting, which was unbelievable to see - he's telling me he's hungry! I would put him to the breast and he would just not latch. I had so much milk flow, it was unbelievable. Eventually I got nipple shields to try and help the situation along. It was starting to get a bit desperate now...it had been 2 days since the birth and Tristan would just not latch. I was not calm and collected as everyone kept telling me to be. At one stage I had 4 nurses around me - one clutching at my breast, one holding Tristan's arms down, one holding his hands down and one pushing his head to my breast. That did not feel good! The more everyone told me to relax the more I couldn't relax, and the more Tristan must have felt it. He was by this time quite angry, and he was hungry. He was getting more angry as each hour went by.

My hubby was in a state - he just couldn't take seeing all of this. It was now 3 days and Tristan hadn't fed at all. My hubby asked the nurses when we made a decision to perhaps give him a bottle or what we do about the situation. The answer was plain and simply that we don't make the decision - we keep trying until I get it right.

That night my 'angel' came to me - that's what I call her anyway. She was the most gentle soul I have ever met. She just spoke to me calmly and spoke to Tristan calmly. She told me not to worry and just to lie with him and to stop 'trying' to breastfeed. So we just lay there and we bonded and I finally fell asleep like that as did Tristan. He didn't breastfeed but at least we weren't in a state. It was heavenly. Day 4 now and still no feeding. I was pumping until the cows came home and my breasts were so sore it was unbelievable. At this point Tristan's blood sugar was so low and he had lost nearly 20% of his original body weight. I was in a state! All I could think was 'I've failed as a mother, I can't even feed my child the way God intended!' and that's all that everyone was making me feel, like I was a failure.

Eventually a paed came to see us and said that something had to be done. I needed to keep trying to breastfeed and they would send a specialist breastfeeding nurse to come and help me. They were all flummoxed, why would he just not latch, especially with the nipple shields. The night of day 4 and my 'angel' came into see me and was horrified about what was happening. Tristan's blood glucose was dropping all the time. I felt like I couldn't make a decision about bottle feeding as that would seal the deal that I was a failure. Eventually the nurse took Tristan from me and asked me to sleep for a while. Fitfully I slept a little bit all the while fretting about my little boy. The next morning before the morning shift came on, my angel came and said to me that she thinks that it would be wise to at least give Tristan some of my milk from a bottle, just to try and give him some strength to try to breastfeed. I agreed and we fed him colostrum from the bottle. This little boy was so hungry that he absolutely gobbled like there was no tomorrow. He drank so quickly that he actually threw everything up - but he had some more and finally we had a slightly calmer baby.

I eventually decided that I'd had enough. At each feed I would offer him the breast, and would let him try and latch on both breasts, but if I was unsuccessful I would feed him my milk from a bottle. The peace descended immediately and let me tell you my child was a guzzler. After 5 weeks like this and expressing like mad, I eventually gave up. I was tired, impatient and had run out of ideas of how to get him to breastfeed. Make no mistake, I still feel that breastfeeding is without doubt the best thing for babies, but for me I just didn't know where to draw the line and make a decision. Tristan started to thrive and quickly put on all his weight again and then some more. He could not stop feeding and to this day still eats like a horse.

I found the whole experience rather traumatic and felt like I had no support from any medical professionals, and on top of it felt like I'd failed as a mother. But eventually we settled into family life and my little one was bottle fed. I started to get over the feeling of dissappointment and failure and just got on with being the best mom I knew how to be, without the breast.

Ultimately for me the story is about choice, and doing what eventually works for you. You are no worse a mom if you can't breastfeed, but please persevere as much as you can, without compromising yourself too much on the way. Breastfeeding is not always easy, and try and get the right professionals and personality to help you and show you calmly how to do it. I am not a failure as a mother due to the fact that I couldn't breastfeed and if you have problems like this or experience something similar, you are also not a failure. Try, try, try again and breast is best but in some rare instances it doesn't work and try not to beat yourself up about it too much. Enjoy being a mom, and if I have any advice about trying, it really is to try and relax and not put too much pressure on yourself. Ultimately I think our circumstances weren't ideal for breastfeeding and I think Tristan associated my breast with force, and didn't like that!

Happy breastfeeding moms!!!

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